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Off Day...  
04:42pm 28/06/2011
Me, My True Self...No More bullsh*t
It seems like today is an off day. Picked up a car yesterday that was seemingly going to be a very easy fix, and find out today that its junk. Its a good looking car, but its just not worth the money. so now its going to get parted out for my girlfriend since its her old car.

Ugh, i wish i already had a job so i can get back up there to be with her and the children. I miss them all so much and i just want to be with them again. Money is getting really tight so its going to be hard to see her. That really sucks. I just enjoy being there with her and massaging her back and cuddling with her.

I miss her so much!

Other news, still plugging away at everything, trying to sell some things to get money in so that way i can go spend time with her. I hope she'll be able to come down for the fourth. And i know its been about a week or so that i've been on here. Went up there a few times, and it was wonderful. She gave me some chocolate milk and egg salad to bring back with me for everybody at grandma's its pretty much gone now.

My mind is kind of blank. I know i'm getting depressed again...so now i'm going to get up and get away from the computer to push myself hard and keep myself going. Stuff needs to be done on my car yet that i've been putting off. Can't let myself be depressed anymore. It ruined everything before along with my stupidity, i won't let it happen again.
mood: stressedstressed
music: Here Without You ~ 3 Doors Down
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Funny Joke  
11:17pm 26/06/2011
Me, My True Self...No More bullsh*t
Here is a joke my girlfriend sent to me via email...


Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."

(I like this one a lot and it reminds me of my girlfriend and i...she does do this)
mood: curiouscurious
music: "Furry Walls" Infant Sorrow
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11:25am 20/06/2011
Me, My True Self...No More bullsh*t
ummm...yeah... I was going to post on here last night, but by the time i got around to it I had a splitting headache and my thoughts weren't organized.

Yesterday ended up better than i even expected. It wasn't the best, obviously, but it was better. I'm still very very upset with myself for everything i have done, but i'm trying to deal with it. I know that it will take time and that this wont happen over night, thought i wish it could happen over night. I only have myself to blame though. i let everything get this bad. I should have changed months ago, not now. But at least i still have the chance, and even though the person who believed in me the most is doubting my ability to change, they are at least holding on. Well the person who believed in me the most was my girlfriend. But i am the one who screwed it all up. She is right i should have changed. But there's not much that can be done with shoulda-coulda-woulda's so all i can do at this point is keep plugging away.

I want to prove even myself wrong that i can change. Yesterday i had my first breaking point, and i never really have gone past my first breaking point. I have always generally given up. But just as I was about to give up i pretty much punched myself in the face and told myself to man up for once and push on. And i did. I feel good about being able to push myself beyond that limit. I am sick of walking away and giving up. I am truly fighting for what i believe in and what i want. And i believe i can change and i want to change and i don't want to lose my girlfriend or give up on her.

A few people asked me if i really wanted to stay with my girlfriend. They asked me that and said to think about it. And i did think about it long and hard. I have concluded that even though things are rough and she's got her issues that she has to deal with and she's not a perfect person (but nobody is honestly a perfect person) that i truly do love her and i am in love with her and i do want to stay with her. Yes i said she isn't perfect, but that is only because nobody is perfect. However in my eyes she's everything and more that i've ever wanted. I used to dream about having a woman exactly like her. And now that i've met her i have realized she is better than anything i could ever dream up.

Yes we got into feuds and feng shue'd each other a few times, but that was all my fault. I pushed her too far and caused her to do the things she's done. I hate myself for doing that. I hope that one day she'll be able to forgive me and my actions, though.

ARGH!!!! damn browser crashed...grrr....i had a lot more typed....ugh....now i lost my train of thought......

Ok...I can't forgive myself right now for anything I've done. And to be honest i don't want to be able to for a while. I want to use this pain and these feelings of deep remorse to fuel me. I know i have great potential and i want to show everybody that i have it and that i am not the person i have been.

Gertie did call me yesterday. I know she's still not given up on me because she is still talking to me. And i know she's very hurt to say the least. I don't blame her for feeling the way she does, and i can't blame her because i put her in this position to have the feelings she does now. But she hasn't given up one me. i've lost a lot of privileges because of my actions and i know i have to deal with it for now because they are the consequences to my acitons. And i know that my consequences could and should be much worse, but i am very very very grateful that they are only this much right now.

I do thank her for not giving up on me and for calling me last night and for having the conversation with me as long as she did on the phone and through text. She is a very wise person and has a great deal of knowledge to share and i want to hear what she has to share.

I notice i am rambling on. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. But i guess it is because i'm getting all these feelings out even though i know most people aren't even going to be able to see this. But at least now i have a record of it and i can look back at these past few entries at any time and be able to reflect on them and use them to help better myself.

I am going to wrap this up for now. I have to finish applying to places for the day and then go take care of a few things and track down my girlfriend's old car for her. I'll be back on later to write more.
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: "Her Name Is Alice" ~ Shinedown
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Black pit...  
11:37am 19/06/2011
Me, My True Self...No More bullsh*t
i went though my contact list on my phone...i realized i only have three guys' numbers that aren't related to me. and for females that aren't related to me, only two people are people that haven't flirted with me...WTF...i am fucked up.

I know i only have myself to blame. I am the reason why i don't have friends and people that are trustworthy in my life aside from a few exceptions, one being my girlfriend, and two being good friends that refuse to take part of flirting with me. I do thank Allyssa M. for listening and just talking religion with me. She is a good rock. And Serrianna, we've known each other since the sixth grade and you have seen me go up and down many times and struggle, and you've been there for me to talk to when nobody else has. Its a great quality you have and i appreciate your friendship. And then there's my girlfriend...well i hope she still is. She has put up with the most bullshit from me. I have pretty much spat and shat on her for everything she's done. She doesn't deserve it. But she saw a light in me that i couldn't even see. and she really pushed hard for me to realize what i have/had with her. ....... ok i'm like crying really hard right now. I just can't believe i was that nasty of a person.

i can't even type anymore...i feel too much like shit and i'm hating on myself right now for what i've done to her. she got the worst of it out of everybody and all she was trying to do was help.........

Fuck!!!! grrrrrrr!!!! i need to smash something i'm so fucking pissed at myself!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!! I feel like punching a brick wall till my hand breaks... i am so sick to my fucking stomach with everything i've done....BLURGH!!!!!!!! i really feel like vomiting at all these thoughts. GUH!!!!!!

>slams head to desk once
mood: disgusted
music: Sad but True ~ Metallica
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Another task complete  
12:49am 19/06/2011
Me, My True Self...No More bullsh*t
I finally was able to sit down with my sister and tell her how i really felt...not how i wanted it to go completely...i mainly told her how i felt about myself and that i appreciate what she's done for me and thanked her for it and apologized for being an asshole to her. it felt good and i'm sure its not going to be the only conversation.

i'm still very scared shitless about my relationshp with gert though...i really don't want to lose her. she is very amazing and i do love her greatly. I regret doing the things i've done to her. i really do...i hope she can see that sometime.
mood: contemplativecontemplative
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(no subject)  
09:44pm 18/06/2011
Me, My True Self...No More bullsh*t
I have found myself sitting here crying really hard and squeezing her blanket. I fear that she will give up on me or already has given up on me. She's not really talking to me. I don't blame her. I really did fuck up. I deserve to live in misery for what i've done to her and how i have treated her.

There are a lot of shoulda coulda woulda's at this point but i know i can't really dwell on them. If i lose her i can't go on. Her and the children are what i want out of life and what i want to live for. I know i need to change myself to better myself and in doing so will help with relationships...but i only want her...i need her.

i'm starting to cry again just because i hurt so much for what i've done to her and i am really honestly afraid that she's given up. I'm so scared. i really do love her. i'm really honestly in love with her. and i want to change myself to better myself. i just hope she doesn't leave me and doesn't give up on me.

mood: depresseddepressed
music: The Unforgiven ~ Metallica
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New Beginning...  
07:43pm 18/06/2011
Me, My True Self...No More bullsh*t
Yet again it has been a long time on here, but i am not here for what i used to be here for. Who i have been is not a good person and its not right. Even reading my own entries on here i am sick to my stomach about myself. So whatever my old entries say...what the fuck ever...I need to change...and this is the first small step...documenting everything...and i can tell you that this entry is going to be very long.

Again i am completely sick to my stomach with myself...i spent the last five hours driving around and thinking, and unfortunately i really don't have the money to do that but it helped me think. I was able to finally calm myself and slow myself down enough to really think about everything. It sucks that i had to use my car, but my car helped me to center myself. I know that i need to learn to do it on my own again, but its a start. But back to the right tangent. I am sick of who i have become, who i have been. I have been a lying, cheating, conniving, asshole of a jerk. I've been slacking and using and womanizing, WTF?!?! How the hell could i have let myself go like this. This is not cool. that's not even the word; this isn't right and there is no justifications for anything i have done. Thinking about it right now is actually making me nauseous. WTF have i been thinking. i just want to break down and cry again.

I'm on the very edge hanging on my a piece of thread with my girlfriend, well i hope she's still my girlfriend. She's put up with so much shit from me that in thinking today about who i really have been i am even surprised that she is even talking to me and having even an ounce of faith in me if that. She is honestly my world though, I can't live without her and i don't want to be with anybody else. And i know that my actions have said otherwise but i really do love her. And she's got four beautiful children that seem to love me also, especially the youngest, john. I know he's taken an attachment to me. I love him and also lillian as if they were my own two children.

Right now, i know i can't forgive myself for who i have been. I can't really forgive myself for anything. And as much as i need to forgive myself, i need that hurt to be able to fuel me to do right. As soon as things start looking better i may be able to start forgiving myself, but only time will tell.

My girlfriend, she's so wonderful. She's made me feel things and done things to me and with me that i couldn't even dream of or imagine before i was with her. I walked all over her. i used her and lied to her and cheated on her. Its not right i know its not. I hope that someday she'll be able to forgive me for what i've done, but i also know tha is going to be way down the road. I honestly can't lose her. The good feelings i have and feel because of her i can't even begin to describe right now. They're so wonderful and heart-warming. these aren't even good enough words but it is all i can come up with right now. But her and the children are so wonderful, i hope she doesn't give up on me.

And being as such that i'm documenting everything on here lets start with square one...and what better to start off with than the question my girlfriend asked me on myyearbook.com (MYB) this morning...what is my biggest fear. And this is my response and its word for word as to what i said on MYB:

"I want to say not being accepted/loved/noticed. But in thinking of the reasons why i would say that i realize my biggest fear is myself and who i have let myself become. I sought attention in the wrong ways growing up and as such i have molded myself to be a bad person, more specifically a jerk and a person who has lied and cheated and has been a womanizer. I know i have more potential than that and i know that i can be a better person. There are just so many issues i have because of how my life was growing up that i have become such a bad person and as such am in the predicaments i am in now. So my biggest fear is myself and who i have become."

I have other fears to, but i guess they could be counted more as worries than fears. A few that come to mind right now are me losing my girlfriend forever, her mom keeping us apart, not being able to change the way i need to (but with this i know so long as i do exactly what i know i need to do with changing i shouldn't have to worry about this).

What i need to change about myself: The biggest thing is my attitude, that's 90 percent of the problem. So long as i have the proper attitude everything else i need to change about myself will fall into place. I need to stop lying and flirting and cheating and being a womanizer. I need to forgive the people that have wronged me in any way in my life. I need to come to terms with my past and not let it consume my future. I need to not be so selfish and ignorant and arrogant. I need to get a job and start thinking thoughts of family so that i can be the father and husband i should and need to be to my girlfriend and her children and so they have the support they need.

My girlfriend has been right on everything and i really need to take to heart what she said and apply it. I'm grateful that she has given me the answers even though she wanted me to figure it out for myself. I don't want to let her down; hell i don't want to let myself down.

There is so much to be said, but what i have written is all that i have for organized thought right now. I'm going to sit down now and think more about everything and collect more of my thoughts so that i can document them here.

So as such everything from this entry on out will be every honest thought i have whether its good bad or ugly. I can't keep holding things in anymore. Its destroying me.

I'm going to end with these few words here...I love my girlfriend with everything and i miss her so much. I know my actions speak differently but i really do want to change and be with only her and the children. i and hopefully this is the right thing to start with is documenting everything. If you read this my lovely girlfriend: I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU! PLEASE DON"T GIVE UP ON ME Cuddle hugs and kisses to you GERTIE!
mood: nauseatednauseated
music: "Hate My Life" ~ Theory of a Deadman
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(no subject)  
04:17pm 18/09/2006
Me, My True Self...No More bullsh*t
hey crystalline...i can't post in your lj still so i'm leaving this for you...i've got a myspace now...email me at my email and i'll tell ya bout everything.
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and back on the map i am...for a short period  
12:22am 27/07/2006
Me, My True Self...No More bullsh*t

not much to say...well that's a bunch of bullshit...but i'm waiting for the right moment and all hell is going to drop loose...and i hope the majority falls on some fucking gay pride sluts in the world that like to think lowly of people like muwa. but anywho...just a little longer...but i am living...and barely at that... i will explain that at least...

so i was in an accident...again...for the third time...it was a little after two in the afternoon about a month ago in july on a saturday...and some asshole came across four lanes of traffic and turned right into my beautifully fugly merc...now it was not racing horse...but i had just got the gas mileage to about 36 mpg which was far beyond what it was rated for in that car...

the damage does not look like much but the tranny was knocked loose and it would have costed over $4000 to fix...so i was taxied around until my lincoln that i wanted so badly was fixed and finally into my name...

along with that left some damage to me...and i don't know if it is temporary or permament but only time will tell. part of it is my vision and another part is some nerves are shot in me so i'm having some trouble...but that's all i can say for now...

i'm alive and i can see and walk and eat and sleep and well i guess some other things to but meh...

must fly for now...maybe soon...maybe later i will return...only time will reveal the truth...patience...and all will be revealed...and a whole shitload of crap is coming...be weary...only i know where everything will land and who it will affect...help...and hurt.
mood: deviousdevious
music: "American Woman" ~ LENNY KRAVITZ
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(no subject)  
12:14am 11/03/2006
Me, My True Self...No More bullsh*t
okay so my last entry flew a little.

So yaeh the blah blah bla fuck the world part was completely separate from the previous statement.

Now if i said blah blah blah fuck the worldS then it would have, but i would never say that. that would totally banish me from the otherworld...not good not good not good....baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddd. okie okie okei.

so the pixie came home, but she can't stay...damnabit... but she came home...it works it works it works...but now for fate to take hold. heh, we'll see. i know i won't be able to see the pixie but at least i got to talk to the pixie over the phone for a bit. now let us just wait on some things.

Almost died for like the twentieth time...

damned piston rods in engines...never wanna stay lubed up...gods that sounded sick. fried a couple of rings...had to take out my engine and fix that up...great more gas loss...that sounded disguisting...okie more fuel loss...better...meh more horsies running wild in my car...next stop. the suspension and radiator.

THEN THE LINCOLN...YAY!!! rahr, big car...big seats...lots of room...bad dewayne. g2g byez
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