Yet again it has been a long time on here, but i am not here for what i used to be here for. Who i have been is not a good person and its not right. Even reading my own entries on here i am sick to my stomach about myself. So whatever my old entries say...what the fuck ever...I need to change...and this is the first small step...documenting everything...and i can tell you that this entry is going to be very long.
Again i am completely sick to my stomach with myself...i spent the last five hours driving around and thinking, and unfortunately i really don't have the money to do that but it helped me think. I was able to finally calm myself and slow myself down enough to really think about everything. It sucks that i had to use my car, but my car helped me to center myself. I know that i need to learn to do it on my own again, but its a start. But back to the right tangent. I am sick of who i have become, who i have been. I have been a lying, cheating, conniving, asshole of a jerk. I've been slacking and using and womanizing, WTF?!?! How the hell could i have let myself go like this. This is not cool. that's not even the word; this isn't right and there is no justifications for anything i have done. Thinking about it right now is actually making me nauseous. WTF have i been thinking. i just want to break down and cry again.
I'm on the very edge hanging on my a piece of thread with my girlfriend, well i hope she's still my girlfriend. She's put up with so much shit from me that in thinking today about who i really have been i am even surprised that she is even talking to me and having even an ounce of faith in me if that. She is honestly my world though, I can't live without her and i don't want to be with anybody else. And i know that my actions have said otherwise but i really do love her. And she's got four beautiful children that seem to love me also, especially the youngest, john. I know he's taken an attachment to me. I love him and also lillian as if they were my own two children.
Right now, i know i can't forgive myself for who i have been. I can't really forgive myself for anything. And as much as i need to forgive myself, i need that hurt to be able to fuel me to do right. As soon as things start looking better i may be able to start forgiving myself, but only time will tell.
My girlfriend, she's so wonderful. She's made me feel things and done things to me and with me that i couldn't even dream of or imagine before i was with her. I walked all over her. i used her and lied to her and cheated on her. Its not right i know its not. I hope that someday she'll be able to forgive me for what i've done, but i also know tha is going to be way down the road. I honestly can't lose her. The good feelings i have and feel because of her i can't even begin to describe right now. They're so wonderful and heart-warming. these aren't even good enough words but it is all i can come up with right now. But her and the children are so wonderful, i hope she doesn't give up on me.
And being as such that i'm documenting everything on here lets start with square one...and what better to start off with than the question my girlfriend asked me on myyearbook.com (MYB) this morning...what is my biggest fear. And this is my response and its word for word as to what i said on MYB:
"I want to say not being accepted/loved/noticed. But in thinking of the reasons why i would say that i realize my biggest fear is myself and who i have let myself become. I sought attention in the wrong ways growing up and as such i have molded myself to be a bad person, more specifically a jerk and a person who has lied and cheated and has been a womanizer. I know i have more potential than that and i know that i can be a better person. There are just so many issues i have because of how my life was growing up that i have become such a bad person and as such am in the predicaments i am in now. So my biggest fear is myself and who i have become."
I have other fears to, but i guess they could be counted more as worries than fears. A few that come to mind right now are me losing my girlfriend forever, her mom keeping us apart, not being able to change the way i need to (but with this i know so long as i do exactly what i know i need to do with changing i shouldn't have to worry about this).
What i need to change about myself: The biggest thing is my attitude, that's 90 percent of the problem. So long as i have the proper attitude everything else i need to change about myself will fall into place. I need to stop lying and flirting and cheating and being a womanizer. I need to forgive the people that have wronged me in any way in my life. I need to come to terms with my past and not let it consume my future. I need to not be so selfish and ignorant and arrogant. I need to get a job and start thinking thoughts of family so that i can be the father and husband i should and need to be to my girlfriend and her children and so they have the support they need.
My girlfriend has been right on everything and i really need to take to heart what she said and apply it. I'm grateful that she has given me the answers even though she wanted me to figure it out for myself. I don't want to let her down; hell i don't want to let myself down.
There is so much to be said, but what i have written is all that i have for organized thought right now. I'm going to sit down now and think more about everything and collect more of my thoughts so that i can document them here.
So as such everything from this entry on out will be every honest thought i have whether its good bad or ugly. I can't keep holding things in anymore. Its destroying me.
I'm going to end with these few words here...I love my girlfriend with everything and i miss her so much. I know my actions speak differently but i really do want to change and be with only her and the children. i and hopefully this is the right thing to start with is documenting everything. If you read this my lovely girlfriend: I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU! PLEASE DON"T GIVE UP ON ME Cuddle hugs and kisses to you GERTIE!
music: "Hate My Life" ~ Theory of a Deadman